A War Against Postpartum Depression

What is Postpartum Depression?

Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year or more.

The exact causes of postpartum depression are unknown. Changes in hormone levels during and after pregnancy may affect a woman’s mood. Many non-hormonal factors may also affect mood during this period:

  • Changes in your body from pregnancy and delivery
  • Changes in work and social relationships
  • Having less time and freedom for yourself
  • Lack of sleep
  • Worries about your ability to be a good mother
  • Etc.

A lot of women is suffering from Postpartum Depression every day. She may be your friend, your cousin, your neighbor, your wife or even your Mother.

My “PPD” started after giving birth to my son. I’m going to break down all the causes of my “PPD”, I’m hoping that through this experience you’ll learn something or at least prevent something.

I am worried about my ability to be aΒ good mother. I came from a broken family; I grew up without my mother beside me. I was raised by my Grandparents, Tito and Tita (whom I called Mommy and Daddy) in the Province. On Sunday’s my Father will visit me and would have to leave early Monday morning for work, because he was working in Manila (2-3 hours’ drive Depends on the traffic).

I am worried that I won’t be able to raise him well. a lot of “What ifs?” I sure know how to change diapers; I’ve done it with my cousins. But how about if he cries? what if he gets sick? What if something happened? what if I can’t? I want him, I love him. Yes, no doubt! But what if he doesn’t like me? Is my affection enough to show him how much I love him? I don’t know!

One of the biggest factors of my PPD is the changes in my body, from 45 kgs to 69 kgs! That’s what? 24 kilograms in 9 months! I thought I’d lose the big belly after he came out, but no. I didn’t. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, it feels like I’m staring to someone else. Who is this woman standing in front of me;Β she’s got this bigΒ black bags under her eyes, this big belly and a lot of stretch marks all over her body. She looks tired. Time came, I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don’t want to go out and be seen by anyone. I cried every night saying foolish things about my body.

What makes it worse are the people around me. Who kept saying things like “Ang taba mo!”, “Pinabayaan mo sarili mo!”, “Losyang kana!”, “HIndi mo na mababalik yan.”, “iiwanan ka ng asawa mo.”, ‘Ang baboy mo.”, and so on and so forth. I can go all night, I heard a lot of hurtful things. Even though I’ve been vocal enough (even on my Social Media Accounts) that I am suffering from PPD. Sometimes the people you expect to be there for you, are the ones who will put you down. All I wanted to hear are the words like, “kaya mo yan.”, “Okay lang yan.” Sadly, people nowadays will judge you based on your appearance.

As he was growing, characters and attitude starts to show up. People now says, “Spoiled kasi!”, “Bakit ganyan yan?”, “Ikaw lang ang kilala.”, “Ano ba yan?”. HELLO! He is only a year old! what do you expect from him? To behave like grown-ups?Instead of saying awful things about my son why don’t you teach me how to correct him instead. Or rather help me on correcting him. It is depressing in so many ways. I am the mother of the son you’re talking about. Why? is it not normal for 12 months old to act like that? I am starting to ask myself, am I a good mother? Am I raising my son well?

Lastly, Self-worth. I know I am doing a lot by being a Stay-at-home-mother. But I miss everything about the outside world. I want to work and grow as a person. To be able to earn my own money again, and finally help my husband financially. I want to be able to provide for my family. It sounds easy. But no it is not easy. Because now I have him. I have my son to think about. I wouldn’t want him to be raised by a “Nanny” especially now that he is just building his character. I want to be there for him as long as I can.

Actually, I can work in the comfort of my home, there are a lot of home based job. But the problem is, I am not a Teacher I’ve tried so many times to apply as an ESL but get dumped over and over again. I tried to apply as a Social Media Manager, as a Writer as a Data Encoder but they’re all asking for samples. Which I have none, that explains this (Blog). It’s hard! Especially if (like me), this is not your forte. I am a graduate of Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila with a degree in BS Tourism and Travel Industry Management and I don’t know a thing about being a teacher, or a writer. Okay, I might know bits of bits but that is not enough for them. I can’t go back to the field I’m used to. It requires a lot of energy and almost every job is by shifting schedule. I can’t do. At Least not now.

Suffering PPD is not a joke. ThereΒ are dark days. Dark days include; crying without a reason, getting mad without a reason and worst hurting myself because I feel worthless. There are times that I wanted to go to the Psychiatrist, but I didn’t. I talked to God instead. This depression will eat you alive if you don’t know how to hold on.

Before 2016 ends, I told myself I wanted to be better. I asked God for his guidance, and his Mercy. I wanted 2017 to better.

It took me a year and 3 months before I finally won my battle. Took me this long to finally see myself as a person again. I know I cannot bring back the body I used to have. It’s okay. I’ve earned a lot more.

With his Mercy I was able to see the light again. Thank you Lord.

Isaiah 40:30-31New International Version (NIV)

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

To my Dear husband, THANK YOU for not leaving my side no matter how rude I am, how awful I look, no matter how depressed I am. I shut him off sometimes, but he waits for me with arms wide open. I love you, Joey.

To my son Jan Carlisle, Thank you baby. You might now know it yet, but you saved me. I love you, baby.

To my Sister Gerri, who never get tired of me no matter how annoying I can be. Thank you. Know that I am always here for you, just like you are to me. I love you, sister.

It took me a year and 3 months before I finally won my battle. Took me this long to finally see myself as a person again. I know I cannot bring back the body I used to have. It’s okay. I’ve earned a lot more.

To husbands and Families, she needs you. This is the time that she needs you the most. Show her love and support no matter how rough the roads may seem. Remember she created a life inside her belly. She had been to a roller coaster journey, be there for her. It may take weeks, months, years, who knows? But by simply letting her know that you’ve got her back, would be the a great help.

And to you who is suffering from PPD, look around you. See the people who are reaching out to you. Think of your baby, he needs you more than anything. You have to fight! Stand up! If I can do it, you can! I know it’s not easy, but you have to try. Things may get messy but believe me, it’s worth the fight. You’ve got to fight for yourself, your baby and your family.Β 

Pray my Dear sweethearts. You’ll be fine. I know.Β πŸ’•

Love & Prayers,Β 

XOXO

-Mrs. DΒ πŸ’‹

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